Every now and then, my soon-to-be 4 year old daughter, Sweet Pea, lets loose with an “Oy…Jesus.” She has never been to church and to my knowledge has no friends named Jesus so it’s pretty safe to assume she heard it from me. Not good.
I say it. I think I might even say it a lot. My mom said it when I was growing up and it's very possible that I picked it up from her. I certainly don’t say it with any trace of ill will or offense, I actually say it with loss. Jesus used to be on our team. I'm not entirely sure why he left. It seemed like he had a good thing going with us, but I wasn’t there so I can’t speak with any definitiveness. I guess eight days of Hanukkah and potato latkes weren’t enough to keep him. Good for him for starting his own thing. It’s proven to be a pretty successful endeavor so it seems he made a wise choice. Sometimes I feel the need to call out to him though. I guess I do it fairly often because Sweet Pea, my soon-to-be 4 year old, did it today.
Our kids are watching us. It’s like being in a reality show, but without the cameras and diet pill endorsements. If you weren’t one of the cool kids when you were growing up, now is your chance because you’ve got your very own built-in captive audience of followers. I don’t know how long it’s going to last, because I don’t know how cool you are, but you’ve got them for at least a little while so during that time, it’s a good idea to try and do the right thing.
It all starts with us. That is not to say that waving a cigarette while running around your house yelling and popping pills is not a good idea, it’s a great idea, just not in front of the kids. Watch and learn, practice what you preach, monkey see, monkey do… you‘ve heard them all before; they've been around forever--and they’ve been around forever for a reason--they're true. As parents we need to use some discretion because our kids pick up on everything. We are their leaders and while they’re young and impressionable, they’re going to follow our lead whether we’re channeling Rosa Parks or Genghis Khan.
It’s impossible as parents to always set good examples so there will, inevitably, be times when our kids see and hear us do questionable things. I like to try and keep everything balanced. For instance, I say “I love you” and “Please” and “Thank you” and “You’re so beautiful to look at, it almost hurts my eyes,“ to my girls as much as possible not only because I want them to say those things to me, but also because it helps to maintain the equilibrium in our house when they find themselves on the receiving end of “UGH. You’re killing me and I’m beyond done with you.” None of us are perfect parents so those things happen. (And if you say they don’t, you’re a liar and your pants are on fire).
We can only do the best we can, and though we may slip up at times, we need to be conscious of where our words are landing. In other words, the next time your neighbor, Trampy McTramp, pops in wearing ALDO shoes that are two inches too high and a bebe top that is too sizes too small, remember that although there may not be any cameras rolling--you are being watched, so before you shred her ensemble upon departure, remember that one never knows when the beholder may decide it‘s a good time to repeat your words. And when she does, you can blame it on TV or the kids at school, but we both know there is a good chance she heard it at home--and I will be right there with you as you close your eyes, let out a big sigh and quietly say: “Oy…Jesus.”
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
We Don't Care If You Stare
My free time is much more limited now than it used to be, but I still subscribe to quite a few magazines. People magazine is not one of them so if I see it lying around somewhere, I will pick it up. I'm far too shallow to care about the human interest stories, but I do like the paparazzi pictures that kick off each issue.
I have noticed that when celebrities are photographed with one or more of their kids, if the kid happens to be adopted the writers will qualify the decription. For example: "Sandra Bullock and her adopted child, Louis..." Have you ever noticed that, or is that something that struck me because I have a kid who is adopted?
Why the qualification? Is it to promote adoption? Is Sandra Bullock (staying with her as an example) a rep for adoption? Maybe the qualification is there to alert all other kids who are adopted in case they know Louis...? That happens to me. Sometimes when people find out that I'm Jewish, they will ask me if I know a Jewish person in another state. I think they think that we all belong to the "I'm-A-Jew Club" or something. Like we all know each other. Like we have sweet matching jew jackets.
I'm not a super sensitive person by nature, but I can be empathetic towards
others, so when I see the seemingly needless People magazine adoption
qualification under the picture of the kid and the parent, I can't help but wonder:
When the kid is old enough to understand, how is he going to feel about being
described like that?
There is nothing wrong with being curious about families that don't fit the
conventional norm. You might even sneak a peek if you see one such family
out and about. If, however, you're going for the gold and you want to attempt
a few personal questions--you might want to consider your words, your timing and your approach before opening the door of your piehole store.
I, personally, haven't had much experience with uncomfortable situations
regarding our interracial adoptive family, so when I decided to write this entry
I called in for backup and enlisted the help of some very special adoptive
moms and dads from around the world. Drawing from both their stories
and their comments, a Top 10 list of adoption anecdotes was born. Some
Side Notes: A) The list is in no particular order. B) Please refrain from holding
the italicized commentary following each article against the contributors, that's
all me. They're classy. I'm not.
1. To a mom about her 8-month-old baby recently adopted from China: "Does she speak Chinese?" No, lady, she does not speak Chinese. She doesn't speak anything. She is a freakin' baby.
2. "How much did you pay for her?" No one has ever asked me that question but it has been asked of other people. If someone were to ask me, it might take a minute to get over my shock, but I would come up with something, and it would be good.
3. This one actually was directed at me not long after we came home from China
and I was at a restaurant with my new daughter: "She is SO cute! Do you have
any of your own?" If she's not mine, someone at this restaurant is going to be
really pissed when they realize that I took her.
4. This is a favorite among those of us who have adopted from an international country like China: "Are you going to tell her that she's adopted?" There really is no response that the person posing this question will understand because clearly he was dropped on his head when he was little.
5. This is a favorite among those of us who have adopted internationally OR domestically: "Now that you have adopted, you will for sure get pregnant.
Oh my GAWD. That always happens! I know this one girl, well, I don't know
her but my friend kind of does, and her sister's friend's niece or something
was waiting to adopt from Cambodia or Russia or somewhere and she GOT PREGNANT!!" ...UGH. Stop talking. Adoption is not always a second choice.
Please don't assume it is. For many of us (let me introduce myself) the need
to adopt was much more overwhelming than the need to get preggo. In fact,
many of us have never had any desire to get pregnant, ever.
6. "Is her father Chinese?" Some people get offended by this one. I don't. I'm just not into Chinese guys.
7. "I didn't realize he was going to look so Chinese!!" What did you think he was going to look like...AFRICAN?? (Both quote and commentary are verbatim).
8. "Are you babysitting?" I found this one interesting because just recently someone asked me if I was the nanny for my kids. I was so excited I called my girlfriend, Busy, to tell her. We immediately assumed, of course, that the guy asked me that question because he thought I looked young. After hearing that other adoptive moms have been asked this same question, I regretfully realize that Busy and I may have been wrong. The man who asked was probably confused by me having one kid from China and from The Bagina. He didn't think I looked young at all. He just thought I was some old ass babysitter. I hate that guy.
9. "Why didn't you adopt from the U.S.?" Bold. You gotta have some moxie to ask this one. Everyone has their own reasons for adopting and for choosing their child's area of indigenous descent. I have a whole backstory that led me to China and I don't mind discussing it. Others do. Slippery slope on this one. Wear a helmut.
10. "I heard they only want boys in China. How did you get a boy?" Ok, kids... Get out your pencils! Take this down: There is a one child policy in China. A Chinese woman gets pregnant. Said Chinese woman already has a child. Sadly, Chinese woman will more than likely have to give her second child up and there is 50/50 chance that the baby she is pregnant with is A BOY. Pencils down.
Extra Credit: No, the Special Needs kids who are up for adoption in China are not "On Sale." No, we don't feel like we're missing out on birth because it is completely and totally surreal the first time we hold our new baby in our arms, especially after so many years of waiting. Yes, when our kid hurts, it rips our heart in two just like it does when it's our bio chio. And finally--we would collectively prefer if you refrained from referring to our child as a "foreign object."
I hope I don't come off sounding bitter about my family dynamics because
I'm truly not. I don't have a high tolerance for stupidos, but that has nothing
to do with our adoption. Over the years I have grown much less defensive and
much more amused. In fact, if I'm not in a huge rush or in the middle of stuffing
my face, I honestly don't mind answering questions, (no matter how crazy) but
please respect that not everyone is like me.
I can only speak for my family when I say "We don't care if you stare." Other families prefer that their differences are respected by not calling attention to them. Some families are very private about their story, some may not be in the mood to enlighten or educate, and some might feel that it's inappropriate to discuss details in front of their child. (The kids can hear and it would be very unfortunate if a child got hurt during a session of a Adoption Q and A. I may not be bitter, and I may be open to answering well-meaning questions about my family, but even I will bust someone into next week if they upset my kid).
There's a great deal of indispensible wisdom within these lines, (I can say that since not all of it is from me) and if you know of anyone who might benefit from reading it, please send it on. Who among us couldn't use a refreshing spritz of common courtesy? If you don't like to share, (selfish) then can I at least ask you for one thing? When Brad and Angelina were preg with Shiloh, the press reported that they were expecting their first child...if Sandra Bullock ever gets knocked up and the press writes that that she is expecting her first child, can you at least join me in wondering what the hell happened to Louis?
I have noticed that when celebrities are photographed with one or more of their kids, if the kid happens to be adopted the writers will qualify the decription. For example: "Sandra Bullock and her adopted child, Louis..." Have you ever noticed that, or is that something that struck me because I have a kid who is adopted?
Why the qualification? Is it to promote adoption? Is Sandra Bullock (staying with her as an example) a rep for adoption? Maybe the qualification is there to alert all other kids who are adopted in case they know Louis...? That happens to me. Sometimes when people find out that I'm Jewish, they will ask me if I know a Jewish person in another state. I think they think that we all belong to the "I'm-A-Jew Club" or something. Like we all know each other. Like we have sweet matching jew jackets.
I'm not a super sensitive person by nature, but I can be empathetic towards
others, so when I see the seemingly needless People magazine adoption
qualification under the picture of the kid and the parent, I can't help but wonder:
When the kid is old enough to understand, how is he going to feel about being
described like that?
There is nothing wrong with being curious about families that don't fit the
conventional norm. You might even sneak a peek if you see one such family
out and about. If, however, you're going for the gold and you want to attempt
a few personal questions--you might want to consider your words, your timing and your approach before opening the door of your piehole store.
I, personally, haven't had much experience with uncomfortable situations
regarding our interracial adoptive family, so when I decided to write this entry
I called in for backup and enlisted the help of some very special adoptive
moms and dads from around the world. Drawing from both their stories
and their comments, a Top 10 list of adoption anecdotes was born. Some
Side Notes: A) The list is in no particular order. B) Please refrain from holding
the italicized commentary following each article against the contributors, that's
all me. They're classy. I'm not.
1. To a mom about her 8-month-old baby recently adopted from China: "Does she speak Chinese?" No, lady, she does not speak Chinese. She doesn't speak anything. She is a freakin' baby.
2. "How much did you pay for her?" No one has ever asked me that question but it has been asked of other people. If someone were to ask me, it might take a minute to get over my shock, but I would come up with something, and it would be good.
3. This one actually was directed at me not long after we came home from China
and I was at a restaurant with my new daughter: "She is SO cute! Do you have
any of your own?" If she's not mine, someone at this restaurant is going to be
really pissed when they realize that I took her.
4. This is a favorite among those of us who have adopted from an international country like China: "Are you going to tell her that she's adopted?" There really is no response that the person posing this question will understand because clearly he was dropped on his head when he was little.
5. This is a favorite among those of us who have adopted internationally OR domestically: "Now that you have adopted, you will for sure get pregnant.
Oh my GAWD. That always happens! I know this one girl, well, I don't know
her but my friend kind of does, and her sister's friend's niece or something
was waiting to adopt from Cambodia or Russia or somewhere and she GOT PREGNANT!!" ...UGH. Stop talking. Adoption is not always a second choice.
Please don't assume it is. For many of us (let me introduce myself) the need
to adopt was much more overwhelming than the need to get preggo. In fact,
many of us have never had any desire to get pregnant, ever.
6. "Is her father Chinese?" Some people get offended by this one. I don't. I'm just not into Chinese guys.
7. "I didn't realize he was going to look so Chinese!!" What did you think he was going to look like...AFRICAN?? (Both quote and commentary are verbatim).
8. "Are you babysitting?" I found this one interesting because just recently someone asked me if I was the nanny for my kids. I was so excited I called my girlfriend, Busy, to tell her. We immediately assumed, of course, that the guy asked me that question because he thought I looked young. After hearing that other adoptive moms have been asked this same question, I regretfully realize that Busy and I may have been wrong. The man who asked was probably confused by me having one kid from China and from The Bagina. He didn't think I looked young at all. He just thought I was some old ass babysitter. I hate that guy.
9. "Why didn't you adopt from the U.S.?" Bold. You gotta have some moxie to ask this one. Everyone has their own reasons for adopting and for choosing their child's area of indigenous descent. I have a whole backstory that led me to China and I don't mind discussing it. Others do. Slippery slope on this one. Wear a helmut.
10. "I heard they only want boys in China. How did you get a boy?" Ok, kids... Get out your pencils! Take this down: There is a one child policy in China. A Chinese woman gets pregnant. Said Chinese woman already has a child. Sadly, Chinese woman will more than likely have to give her second child up and there is 50/50 chance that the baby she is pregnant with is A BOY. Pencils down.
Extra Credit: No, the Special Needs kids who are up for adoption in China are not "On Sale." No, we don't feel like we're missing out on birth because it is completely and totally surreal the first time we hold our new baby in our arms, especially after so many years of waiting. Yes, when our kid hurts, it rips our heart in two just like it does when it's our bio chio. And finally--we would collectively prefer if you refrained from referring to our child as a "foreign object."
I hope I don't come off sounding bitter about my family dynamics because
I'm truly not. I don't have a high tolerance for stupidos, but that has nothing
to do with our adoption. Over the years I have grown much less defensive and
much more amused. In fact, if I'm not in a huge rush or in the middle of stuffing
my face, I honestly don't mind answering questions, (no matter how crazy) but
please respect that not everyone is like me.
I can only speak for my family when I say "We don't care if you stare." Other families prefer that their differences are respected by not calling attention to them. Some families are very private about their story, some may not be in the mood to enlighten or educate, and some might feel that it's inappropriate to discuss details in front of their child. (The kids can hear and it would be very unfortunate if a child got hurt during a session of a Adoption Q and A. I may not be bitter, and I may be open to answering well-meaning questions about my family, but even I will bust someone into next week if they upset my kid).
There's a great deal of indispensible wisdom within these lines, (I can say that since not all of it is from me) and if you know of anyone who might benefit from reading it, please send it on. Who among us couldn't use a refreshing spritz of common courtesy? If you don't like to share, (selfish) then can I at least ask you for one thing? When Brad and Angelina were preg with Shiloh, the press reported that they were expecting their first child...if Sandra Bullock ever gets knocked up and the press writes that that she is expecting her first child, can you at least join me in wondering what the hell happened to Louis?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Stamp of Approval III
The following things are OK
(At least as far as I'm concerned)
It's OK to get scissors and physically cut stuff out of your kid's hair if it's just too sticky and too much of a pain in the ass to brush it out. You can't get away with this forever, but if she's only 19-months-old, you still can.
It's OK if sometimes you have to confer with a calendar to remember the last time you showered.
It's OK if someone gets your kid a present, and then you put it away because your kid has enough crap, and then you bring it out one day when your kid is being really good, and then you take all the credit.
It's OK to secretly hope that you win at Candyland even though you're playing with kids.
It's OK when your kid says "Look! Look at me!" to sometimes reply "That's great!" but not really look because you are busy and it's probably not anything all that great.
It's OK if you see the people who work at the market more than you see your friends.
It's OK if you are between purchasing a fake PRADA purse or a real purse of a lesser name to go with the real purse that is not a PRADA because not only are fake purses lame, but YOU will know it's a fake and most everybody else will too.
It's OK to want to eat candy for breakfast, but you shouldn't because breakfast is very important and candy is not good for you. Eat cake instead, it has eggs in it.
It's OK to be jealous of your little one who has no issue walking around with her belly all hanging out.
It's OK to agree to accept the Facebook "friend requests" of your friends' kids because your friend wants you to spy on them; it's also OK not to tell her that you are a worthless spy since you hid those kids from your Facebook feed because their status updates are stupid and annoying.
It's OK to throw down a little "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" every now and then, even though you always swore that you never would.
It's OK to leave your kids in the car, strapped in their car seats, while you run into a restaurant to pick up carry-out. OK, that is really not OK--but it used to be, a long time ago, and it's OK to sometimes wish that it still was.
(At least as far as I'm concerned)
It's OK to get scissors and physically cut stuff out of your kid's hair if it's just too sticky and too much of a pain in the ass to brush it out. You can't get away with this forever, but if she's only 19-months-old, you still can.
It's OK if sometimes you have to confer with a calendar to remember the last time you showered.
It's OK if someone gets your kid a present, and then you put it away because your kid has enough crap, and then you bring it out one day when your kid is being really good, and then you take all the credit.
It's OK to secretly hope that you win at Candyland even though you're playing with kids.
It's OK when your kid says "Look! Look at me!" to sometimes reply "That's great!" but not really look because you are busy and it's probably not anything all that great.
It's OK if you see the people who work at the market more than you see your friends.
It's OK if you are between purchasing a fake PRADA purse or a real purse of a lesser name to go with the real purse that is not a PRADA because not only are fake purses lame, but YOU will know it's a fake and most everybody else will too.
It's OK to want to eat candy for breakfast, but you shouldn't because breakfast is very important and candy is not good for you. Eat cake instead, it has eggs in it.
It's OK to be jealous of your little one who has no issue walking around with her belly all hanging out.
It's OK to agree to accept the Facebook "friend requests" of your friends' kids because your friend wants you to spy on them; it's also OK not to tell her that you are a worthless spy since you hid those kids from your Facebook feed because their status updates are stupid and annoying.
It's OK to throw down a little "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" every now and then, even though you always swore that you never would.
It's OK to leave your kids in the car, strapped in their car seats, while you run into a restaurant to pick up carry-out. OK, that is really not OK--but it used to be, a long time ago, and it's OK to sometimes wish that it still was.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Daddy's Girls
Just recently, my girlfriend, Busy, and I went on our annual girls getaway trip. After being gone all weekend, I was excited to see my daughters, Lovey and Sweet Pea. I missed them very much, and I was under the impression that they felt the same (well, maybe not Lovey, she is nineteen months old and doesn't know what the hell is going on, but Sweet Pea is almost four and she for sure knew I was gone). When I finally got home, weary from traveling and looking for love, Lovey was napping but Sweet Pea was up. I couldn't wait until we saw each other. My vision of our long-awaited reunion was about to be realized.
I walked in the door, put my bags down, and called for her. As she slowly came around the corner, her little fist holding something, (something that she made for me, I'm sure) I was all excited for my hug and my treat...but what I got was a loaded hand in my face accompanied by: "Mommy, can I have this gum?"
I'm sorry. WHAT? Gum? I didn't just walk out of my freakin' bedroom, dude. I HAVE BEEN GONE ALL WEEKEND. No. There will be no gum for you.
Cody, my husband, will run out for twenty mintues--but when he walks in, the girls go so crazy you would think they just jumped out from behind the lyrics of a Kenny Chesney song. "Dah-dee! Dah-dee! Da-dee!" OK, I get it. He is very cool and I'm excited to see him too, but what about me? Why are you guys never as excited to see me? I AM AWESOME.
It is true, I am with them more because I work from home, but that doesn't explain anything. I'm still awesome. I don't get down on the floor and turn myself into a human jungle gym like Captain Goodtimes over there, but I'm somewhere in the vicinity being awesome. I don't go out in twenty degree weather and build a snowman with them, but who was inside, being awesome, making hot chocolate WITH marshmallows? You got it: Mamacita Awesima.
It's a constant struggle because the practical, mature part of me really and truly wants my girls to be all about their daddy. He is an amazing daddy and he, for all intents and purposes, should be the one they look to for many things. He is supposed to be their hero. But, as someone who giggles uncontrollably because a poster board has been priced at .69 cents, I am admittedly often times very immature, so that part leads me to be a little envious of the fanfare he receives.
Kids go back and forth; parental partiality is part of a natural cycle. I know that. I'm not a total idiot. I know that it's normal to temporarily prefer one parent over the other. It could be because one parent is more of a disciplinarian, it could be because one parent just sucks. Who knows? That being said, I also think that it's normal to be hurt when you're not the parent they prefer (especially if you're awesome, like me).
I know, many years from now, there will come a day when one of my girls will get dumped by some loser. This guy will blindside her, in the middle of a seemingly pleasant dinner, by telling her that he is just "not having fun anymore." He will then go on to say that he "thinks they should no longer see each other" while she sits behind a half eaten deli sandwich, completely stunned and bewildered, because HE is the one breaking up with HER. Back that ass up. He can NOT break up with her. He was the one who pursued her--and she wasn't even that into him! He wore his jeans too high and he thought socks with sandals was cool and uh...that unibrow ain't gonna tweeze itself and he said words like "anywho" and whatever, it just SUCKS because even though she knew she didn't dig him, HE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT TO BREAK IT OFF.
That kind of thing might happen to one of my girls one day. And if it does, I hope that she calls her mommy.
I walked in the door, put my bags down, and called for her. As she slowly came around the corner, her little fist holding something, (something that she made for me, I'm sure) I was all excited for my hug and my treat...but what I got was a loaded hand in my face accompanied by: "Mommy, can I have this gum?"
I'm sorry. WHAT? Gum? I didn't just walk out of my freakin' bedroom, dude. I HAVE BEEN GONE ALL WEEKEND. No. There will be no gum for you.
Cody, my husband, will run out for twenty mintues--but when he walks in, the girls go so crazy you would think they just jumped out from behind the lyrics of a Kenny Chesney song. "Dah-dee! Dah-dee! Da-dee!" OK, I get it. He is very cool and I'm excited to see him too, but what about me? Why are you guys never as excited to see me? I AM AWESOME.
It is true, I am with them more because I work from home, but that doesn't explain anything. I'm still awesome. I don't get down on the floor and turn myself into a human jungle gym like Captain Goodtimes over there, but I'm somewhere in the vicinity being awesome. I don't go out in twenty degree weather and build a snowman with them, but who was inside, being awesome, making hot chocolate WITH marshmallows? You got it: Mamacita Awesima.
It's a constant struggle because the practical, mature part of me really and truly wants my girls to be all about their daddy. He is an amazing daddy and he, for all intents and purposes, should be the one they look to for many things. He is supposed to be their hero. But, as someone who giggles uncontrollably because a poster board has been priced at .69 cents, I am admittedly often times very immature, so that part leads me to be a little envious of the fanfare he receives.
Kids go back and forth; parental partiality is part of a natural cycle. I know that. I'm not a total idiot. I know that it's normal to temporarily prefer one parent over the other. It could be because one parent is more of a disciplinarian, it could be because one parent just sucks. Who knows? That being said, I also think that it's normal to be hurt when you're not the parent they prefer (especially if you're awesome, like me).
I know, many years from now, there will come a day when one of my girls will get dumped by some loser. This guy will blindside her, in the middle of a seemingly pleasant dinner, by telling her that he is just "not having fun anymore." He will then go on to say that he "thinks they should no longer see each other" while she sits behind a half eaten deli sandwich, completely stunned and bewildered, because HE is the one breaking up with HER. Back that ass up. He can NOT break up with her. He was the one who pursued her--and she wasn't even that into him! He wore his jeans too high and he thought socks with sandals was cool and uh...that unibrow ain't gonna tweeze itself and he said words like "anywho" and whatever, it just SUCKS because even though she knew she didn't dig him, HE WAS THE ONE WHO GOT TO BREAK IT OFF.
That kind of thing might happen to one of my girls one day. And if it does, I hope that she calls her mommy.
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