Today is Mother's Day. It's a very special day in which we honor mothers, grandmothers and stepmothers--unless you're a wicked stepmother and then you don’t get honored, but you do get representation in almost every Disney movie.
On this day, I'd like to take a moment to wish one mother in particular a very Happy Mother's Day: Sweet Pea’s birth mother. (Sorry, mom, I know you thought it was going to be you. You’re good too. Bang up job on both of your kids, really nice work).
I don’t know the circumstances surrounding Sweet Pea’s birth mother’s decision to give up her daughter. Maybe she was waiting for a son. Maybe she already had a child and the one child rule in China prevented her from having another. Maybe she wasn’t married. I don’t know. I just know that a very selfless mother in a country very far away brought my child into this world and I imagine this day can’t be easy for her.
I went into the adoption under the impression that we were doing something really great and really commendable. We were going to free Sweet Pea from the orphanage and give her a better life. But in the end, it was Sweet Pea who gave us a better life. The moment she was put into my arms, she transformed a couple into a family, she became a sister to Floyd, and two years later, she became a big sister to Lovey.
And she made me a mother.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there who, like me, are doing the best that they can do. I hope you get fat ass, crazy expensive presents and maybe a minute to yourself today. And Happy Mother’s Day to Sweet Pea’s birth mother, who gave me the best gift of all.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Baby, It's Cold Outside
I was at lunch the other day with my girlfriend, Busy, and as the hostess was seating us, she and Busy simultaneously started complaining about the weather. It was unseasonably cold that day and they had every right to complain. The thing is, the hostess started to tell us that she had a friend who was vacationing in Florida (I don't remember all the details because I was way more interested in looking over the menu so I could feed my fat face) and she was hoping that her friend would bring some good weather back with her.
Let me repeat: She was hoping that her friend would bring some good weather back with her. Stop right there.
NO ONE IS BRINGING WEATHER HOME WITH THEM.
You can't bring weather anywhere. It's impossible. You may be a mother, but you're not Mother Nature. You can bring a t-shirt. You can bring a sea shell (but not for me, thanks). You can even bring a little bag of pretzels if you're lucky enough to get some on your flight, but no one is bringing back weather.
No one is ever allowed to ever say that ever again.
No? OK. I tried.
Let me repeat: She was hoping that her friend would bring some good weather back with her. Stop right there.
NO ONE IS BRINGING WEATHER HOME WITH THEM.
You can't bring weather anywhere. It's impossible. You may be a mother, but you're not Mother Nature. You can bring a t-shirt. You can bring a sea shell (but not for me, thanks). You can even bring a little bag of pretzels if you're lucky enough to get some on your flight, but no one is bringing back weather.
No one is ever allowed to ever say that ever again.
No? OK. I tried.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Stamp Of Approval V
The following things are OK
(At least as far as I'm concerned)
It's OK if you don't belong to a country club. Just make sure you have a friend who does. That way you get to have all the fancy fun with none of the demanding dues.
It's OK if you can't fold a fitted sheet. No one can.
It's OK if you accidentally stepped on a toy and broke it. It's even OK that you acted all sorry even though you really weren't because secretly you hated that toy and you're happy to see it go.
It's OK if your reason for not driving a Minivan is because you know random guys probably won't check you out any more.
It's OK if you use the 3 second rule for more than just food--like that car in front of you that hasn't moved even though the light is green. Tap that horn and give that car a little reminder. "Let's get it on, pal. That light ain't gonna get any greener."
It's OK if you are steadfast about your bra and undies matching everyday. You could get into an accident and you don't want to be remembered by the fireman and police officers as the lady whose bra and undies didn't match. That is just no way to be remembered.
(At least as far as I'm concerned)
It's OK if you don't belong to a country club. Just make sure you have a friend who does. That way you get to have all the fancy fun with none of the demanding dues.
It's OK if you can't fold a fitted sheet. No one can.
It's OK if you accidentally stepped on a toy and broke it. It's even OK that you acted all sorry even though you really weren't because secretly you hated that toy and you're happy to see it go.
It's OK if your reason for not driving a Minivan is because you know random guys probably won't check you out any more.
It's OK if you use the 3 second rule for more than just food--like that car in front of you that hasn't moved even though the light is green. Tap that horn and give that car a little reminder. "Let's get it on, pal. That light ain't gonna get any greener."
It's OK if you are steadfast about your bra and undies matching everyday. You could get into an accident and you don't want to be remembered by the fireman and police officers as the lady whose bra and undies didn't match. That is just no way to be remembered.
Monday, May 2, 2011
The Lesser Tiger Mom
I won't ever be able to write a song that disses my mom for popping vikes or bashes my dad for being absent because my parents weren’t like that. They showed up when it came to parenting-- it didn't matter what they were going through at the time, they showed up. And they were good parents.
Not all parents are like that.
My parents instilled self confidence without encouraging arrogance. They promoted self- worth without compromising reality. They raised me to focus on what I had to offer, even on the days when I felt I didn't have much. They knew I felt the need to overcompensate for my shortcomings but they worked with me so I would grow out of that.
There is nothing worse than some guy who thinks he is The Man but he only talks about himself and he wears his golf shirt tucked ALL THE WAY into his jeans without pulling it out a just little bit to give it that much needed belly front fluff, or some girl in her 30’s who feels the need to tell anyone who will listen that her Aunt Rita is friends with the mom of a kid who goes to school with one of Eminem's daughers.
My parents didn't want me to be like that.
I just needed to do what I could do and do it to the best of my ability, and that would be enough. They knew what I was capable of and those were the boundaries they abided by. When I complained incessantly that I couldn’t deal with the spit that got caught in the mouth piece of the clarinet, my mom eventually let me quit. She knew I was much better suited for dance and tennis and let me do what I loved. Tiger Mom she was not, but she fostered my development and pushed my potential just enough so that I would, one day, emerge to be exactly who I am. And I’m good with who I am.
I want to do the same with my girls. I want to find that balance. But what if the talent they are looking to be praised for doesn‘t exist? When do the lines of being supportive and being honest cross?
My 4 year old daughter, Sweet Pea, made me a picture the other day and after she gave it to me she said “Mommy, I made this for you. Isn't it beautiful? It's Snow White, Snow White and Lovey (her little sister). What do you think?”
What do I think? Well, it's beautiful to me because I'm the mommy but I don't think it's going to get my girl any scholarships. It's definitely lacking in some areas, I mean, look at the one that is supposed to be Lovey. What the hell is that all about?
Sweet Pea is so great at so many things and I’m not worried about her future for one minute. (Unless, of course, she decides to become an artist. If that is the case, in front of the word “Artist” it might say “Starving.”) Of course I don’t have to worry about this now. She’s four. But it's inevitable that as my girls get older, things will come up that require me to momentarily park them on their path to becoming the functional and productive adults they're meant to be.
Sweet Pea might walk into the kitchen and tell us that she wants to play for the New York Jets or Lovey might decide that she wants to be a supermodel. I don’t want to be the one to step on their spirit or crush their confidence, but I also don’t want to pump them full of false hope.
Sweet Pea will likely get defensive when I tell her that the Jets probably won’t be interested in her for several reasons (the main one being that she’s not a guy) and I’m pretty certain that Lovey will be sad when I tell her it might be a good idea to look into something else since supermodels are very tall and her Jew genes probably won’t get her past 5’3. Things like that (or worse) will come up, and when they do I will show up. It‘s my job to be real about their capabilities, and when it's necessary, I will do just that. I'm not a tiger mom, but I am a mom.
That day is not today though. That day is another day. Today my daughter isn't setting goals or making life choices. Today she is just giving a beautiful picture to her mommy.
Not all parents are like that.
My parents instilled self confidence without encouraging arrogance. They promoted self- worth without compromising reality. They raised me to focus on what I had to offer, even on the days when I felt I didn't have much. They knew I felt the need to overcompensate for my shortcomings but they worked with me so I would grow out of that.
There is nothing worse than some guy who thinks he is The Man but he only talks about himself and he wears his golf shirt tucked ALL THE WAY into his jeans without pulling it out a just little bit to give it that much needed belly front fluff, or some girl in her 30’s who feels the need to tell anyone who will listen that her Aunt Rita is friends with the mom of a kid who goes to school with one of Eminem's daughers.
My parents didn't want me to be like that.
I just needed to do what I could do and do it to the best of my ability, and that would be enough. They knew what I was capable of and those were the boundaries they abided by. When I complained incessantly that I couldn’t deal with the spit that got caught in the mouth piece of the clarinet, my mom eventually let me quit. She knew I was much better suited for dance and tennis and let me do what I loved. Tiger Mom she was not, but she fostered my development and pushed my potential just enough so that I would, one day, emerge to be exactly who I am. And I’m good with who I am.
I want to do the same with my girls. I want to find that balance. But what if the talent they are looking to be praised for doesn‘t exist? When do the lines of being supportive and being honest cross?
My 4 year old daughter, Sweet Pea, made me a picture the other day and after she gave it to me she said “Mommy, I made this for you. Isn't it beautiful? It's Snow White, Snow White and Lovey (her little sister). What do you think?”
What do I think? Well, it's beautiful to me because I'm the mommy but I don't think it's going to get my girl any scholarships. It's definitely lacking in some areas, I mean, look at the one that is supposed to be Lovey. What the hell is that all about?
Sweet Pea is so great at so many things and I’m not worried about her future for one minute. (Unless, of course, she decides to become an artist. If that is the case, in front of the word “Artist” it might say “Starving.”) Of course I don’t have to worry about this now. She’s four. But it's inevitable that as my girls get older, things will come up that require me to momentarily park them on their path to becoming the functional and productive adults they're meant to be.
Sweet Pea might walk into the kitchen and tell us that she wants to play for the New York Jets or Lovey might decide that she wants to be a supermodel. I don’t want to be the one to step on their spirit or crush their confidence, but I also don’t want to pump them full of false hope.
Sweet Pea will likely get defensive when I tell her that the Jets probably won’t be interested in her for several reasons (the main one being that she’s not a guy) and I’m pretty certain that Lovey will be sad when I tell her it might be a good idea to look into something else since supermodels are very tall and her Jew genes probably won’t get her past 5’3. Things like that (or worse) will come up, and when they do I will show up. It‘s my job to be real about their capabilities, and when it's necessary, I will do just that. I'm not a tiger mom, but I am a mom.
That day is not today though. That day is another day. Today my daughter isn't setting goals or making life choices. Today she is just giving a beautiful picture to her mommy.
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