Walt Disney's Progress Report

My girls aren't big into TV. That has nothing to do with great parenting on my part, they're just not really into TV. Wait. I stand corrected, they do like the "Imagination Movers," but outside of that, TV is not really their thing.

Disney movies are what's big in our house. Are you at all familiar with Disney movies? Exactly. I have to believe that Walt Disney and his people had to have known, on some level, that his movies were going to be big. He was a pioneer on the forefront of delivering magic through form and animation. He was The Beatles of rock and roll, he was the Nivana of whatever that kind of music that is, he was the Eminem of rap. He was "the guy," and when you're "the guy," it comes with a certain amount of responsibilty.

Did he not know this, or did he not care? 

He could have SO easily thrown parents a proverbial bone by adding the following dialogue to Snow White the movie: "Snow White eats all of her vegetables and Snow White believes ALL you kids should eat your vegetables too. That way when you grow up you will be big and strong, and you can help mommy and daddy pack because when your ass gets into college, they're moving to Boca." Or, I'm sure he could have found room for this line in Cinderella: "Cinderella thinks it's a good idea to ALWAYS listen to mommy and daddy because they are the smartest people in the world, especially mommy, so if you want to grow up and have a sweet ride like this (gestures toward the carriage) and a smokin' hot husband who doesn't really talk much, but buys you lots of jewelry, you should do everything your parents say and never give them any problems, EVER."

Instead of taking an extra minute here and there to slip in a subliminal, yet helpful, parental shout-out, he ignored us: THE SUCKERS WHO ARE BUYING HIS MOVIES. Now, instead of helping us to raise children with honorable and respectable values like the ones stated above, I've got a kid who is jacking up the paint in my kitchen as she drags the Swiffer stick (void of the actual Swiffer cleaning device) out of the laundry room, hitting everything in her way, so she can find a good place in the house to "be like Cinderella and clean." Meanwhile, her cleaning sucks. She's no Cinderella so now I AM the one stuck with the aftermath of her half-assed "cleaning like Cinderella," while she's moved on to bugging the crap out of me--asking me why she can't wear her Snow White costume ALL THE TIME, including bedtime, because "Well, mommy, Snow White does. Snow White wears her dress all the time, even to sleep. Even to sleep, mommy. She sleeps in it." Thanks for the Swiffer stick nicks on my walls and the invaluable lesson of good bedtime hygiene, Wally.

And my other kid? She won't say "mama" unless she is prompted by me, but she will happily point and exclaim "Rel-la!! Rel-la!!" the minute she sees a Disney princess--or at this point, anyone pretty who has long hair-- on a book, a puzzle, a TV, wherever. WHAT IS THAT? She's not even really watching the movies. She's only in there because the other kid is! I'm your freakin' MOM, dude. I birthed you, I bathe you and I'm the one who dealt with the "spredder" you had yesterday that forever ruined the pants of an outfit I loved AND reunited me with my gag reflexes but, yeah, OK... "Rella" was inducted into your vocabulary before "mama." Thank you yet again, Mr. D.

If I were to do a progress report for Walt Disney, I would check the box that says "Not performing up to his potential" because had I been around when he was just getting started, and seen what he was capable of, I would have expected a lot more from him. He's really lucky I wasn't his teacher...but I bet you wish I was.